The Road Goes Ever On and On

Blessings of Empty Space

I'm well into my third year of unemployment.  Unlike many, it was my choice.  Well, not three years of it, but the initial decision to leave my job was all mine.  I've been homeschooling the kids while my wife stepped up full-time as a speech therapist.  Men tend to find their self-worth and identity in their jobs;  I'm no exception, so there are times not working a "real job" just plain sucks.  But I've discovered blessings by being out of the work force for awhile.

1. I spend a lot of time with the kids. Yes, there are times I wish I were somewhere else, but it has been great to spend more time with my kids than just about every other man I know.  In about 7 years we will be empty nesters; life comes at you fast and I'm grateful for my time with them.

2.   My work isn't tied to a dollar amount.  Our culture is really wrapped up in putting a monetary value on one's performance.  Believe me when I tell you living contrary to that mindset is a struggle; I find that my self- esteem takes a huge hit when I see the financial or social success of others.  But really, do the salaries of Tiger Woods, Johnny Depp and Peyton Manning reflect the ultimate value of what they do? 

3. Quiet and rest.  People take a week off here and there, but three years?  I am schooling the kids and maintaining the household, not laying around drinking beer (at least not every day).  But it is very different than 40+ hours at a job.  Without the time and effort a job consumes, there is a lot chances for my inner world to bubble up to the surface.  Much of it stinks.  But by coming to terms with it, I know myself better and have found peace with a lot of things I've struggled with over the years.  So quiet and rest are not as pleasant as they sound at first; some days it seems like torture.  But it really is a gift which has allowed me to change, hopefully for the better.

There are more, but these are huge for me.  Thank's God, for this season of life.

Life as a Hybrid

I read once about a family that adopted a hybrid dog.  It was half-dog and half-wolf.  The hybrid apparently made a great pet.  Until it attacked their son and killed him. 

Being a human being, and specifically a man, is a similar situation.  I'm not saying I'll go out and kill someone, but the seeds of murder do lie within my sin nature, and to deny that fact is arrogance.

Men are like the force; we all have a light side and a dark side.  Every day we choose the impulses to which we will listen and respond.  We have all experienced both the good side and dark side of masculine strength.  The good side is found in the policeman and fireman that put their lives on the line for our safety, or the good samaritan who stops to help us change a tire.  The bad side can be discovered in the abusive father, the cantankerous old man, or the Bernie Madoff shyster.  But the world isn't divided into good men and bad men.  As Solzhenitsyn once said, the line dividing good and evil is found in every human heart.

I will be a hybrid till the day I die.  What blows my mind is to see them operate at the same time.  For instance, I've been in situations where a young, single, attractive female is in genuine need of masculine strength and encouragement.  I've been able to step into a fatherly role and speak into her life.  While doing this, the wolf side of me whispers in my ear about taking advantage of her vulnerability.  The needy part of me that wants feminie attention would like to take this opportunity for self-gratification. In those instances, I choose to take life or give life.  Fortunately, by the grace of God and solid, intentional accountability, I haven't acted out on my dark side in those situations.  But the temptation is there.

I long for the day when the church will be more open to using and accepting men as they are, not the angels they wish we were.  Jesus attracted and discipled men, hybrids like me whom he redeemed and used for his kingdom. They could be real in his presence, and still accepted.  It's much easier to deny the dark side and pretend our churches have only perfect men and women with their lives all together.  But reality eventually bites.