The Road Goes Ever On and On

I Have A Grievance (Beatitudes Part 2)

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted" (Matthew 5:4). 

"OK, Jesus, I'm willing to forgo the comfort if we can also forgo the mourning.  Pain sucks."  Just keeping it real.

But somewhere in this process, Jesus works the miracle of salvation (that is the blessing). The process looks something like a bad American Idol audition.  Step one, reality check; Simon Cowell pops your bubble.  Step two, grieve the death of your fantasized self, or even more pitifully, live in denial and keep trying to impress your drunk friends at the local karaoke bar. 

Salvation doesn't cost you anything except your idolized self.  Once the reality hits, you grieve.  It's only natural, and Jesus makes allowances for it.  Don't you find it interesting that Alcoholics Anonymous, or any of the other 12 step programs, are among the more successful addiction programs?  And step one is admitting we cannot help ourselves, we are powerless.  That is being poor in spirit, and grieving the fact that we cannot save or control ourselves; WE NEED A SAVIOR!

But it goes beyond what happens in our hearts.  Our whole world is broken.  We grieve reality.  As a pastor, I've seen it many times.  I've seen the pain, the denial, the far-away look of unbelief in the eyes of someone who just lost a loved one.  We weren't made for death or a fallen world.  We were made for life and eternity.  And when the reality of our brokeness hits, it hurts like hell.

I've seen parents grieve kids running wild when they did everything they knew to raise them right.  I've seen grief over failed careers, broken marriages,betrayal, and the list goes on. 

The only option other than grief when we finally realize we ain't living in heaven is denial; pretend we can have our best life now, that I am in control, that life is always good.  The blessing of salvation is only for those who first go through the pain of recognizing their need and lack, and the acceptance of something better to come.

Hard Lessons Learned by a Stay-At-Home Dad

For over two years now, I've not had a job where I earn wages.  I'm a stay-at-home dad, a house husband.  I also home-school the kids.  Don't ask me about being the only male at home-school functions; It's weird.

I won't lie and act like a saint.  It's tough.  It really doesn't have anything to do with the kids either.  In fact, I have a great respect for my kids.  They are hard-working, diligent, obedient (for the most part) and self-starting.  As regards school, I'm really just here in case they need tutoring.

The hard part is dealing with my own expectations.  I second guess the choices I've made to go into ministry, my degree choice (Biblical Studies), and my fitness for ministry.  I fret that I'm getting older and that if I had any potential as a minister, I'd have showed it already.  I feel useless because I'm not making money, and even if I were, most ministers don't make much (unless you are a tele-evangelist with a marketable, sure-fire, seven-step method to live the good life).

I took an inventory, asking myself, 'What have I learned these past two years?"  As tough as this period has been, it has been fruitful.  I've learned that:

1.    The ONLY way to learn humility is through humiliations. There is no possible way to initiate learning it.  All you can to is give up control and submit to the humiliations. 

2.    Prayer is a lot like marital intimacy; I give God complete access to enjoy me, and I am given complete access to enjoy him.  I don't spend a lot of time working through a prayer list.  My mental health stands or falls on just letting my Father love on me.

3.    I used to approach scripture as a duty and a way to gain knowledge.  Now it is more a matter of survival.  It really is like a starving man finding bread.  The messages from the world around me (and sometimes from within) are mostly negative.  But the words God offers are life-giving. 

4.     God cares infinitely more about me as a son that any amount of work I could offer his kingdom.  This break to be with my kids is not a punishment, it is a gift.  God loves me not because I'm successful or productive, but simply because I'm his.

5.       My spiritual growth is much more outside my control that I ever realized. It is so Phariseeical and prideful to think I can grow on my own initiative.  But so freeing when I realized God must do this work in me.  I can also forgive myself when I don't measure up, knowing God isn't finished with me.       

6.     Finally, I'm learning that my check-book balance doesn't indicate my standing with  God.  Some folks handle money better than I do, some don't.  Some have more, some have less.  So what.  My circumstances are not an accurate indicator of God's approval and I won't judge others based on their situation either.